Friday, August 6, 2010

hard to face...

let me begin this story by warning you that this is an account of my last six months and why i have been away for so long. This story is true and i am sharing it because i believe that the Father doesn't give anything with out eventually giving us a way to give it back to him... so this is my feeble way of giving it back to HIM...praying that it brings him glory and honor. Six months ago my Husband and I decided that it was time for us to have another baby. I really wanted to have a second child...My heart was so excited about this anticipation. We spent months trying and every month disapointment would set in. I am a lover a My God...and knew he had a perfect reason...but still my heart was so ready and wanted so badly. one month turned into two, then three, then four....
In early March i finally came to the conclusion that God just wasn't ready for us to have a baby. But in my haste a seed of doubt began to form. I began to feel bitterness well up in self like never before. I have waited for things before, but this time i couldn't figure it out. I mean i was doing all i was asked to walk was great, my worship was wonderful, and my heart was beating wildly...but HE would not allow me to have this one thing i wanted so badly. I felt like i was walking down a dark tunnel and there was not end in sight. My husband tried to understand but he could only offer support in the moments of my heart break. I was so ready. Then finally in April we found out we were finally expecting. I was so excited. I couldn't believe it...turns out that i had been worked up about nothing. We started planning...every moment was so joyful....God had finally allowed me to have the desire of my heart...a new baby. I could hardly wait. We started our Dr. visits..and began to prepare for the next nine months. On Mother's day in May just four weeks in the unthinkable began to happen....the next fortyeigth hours were just about unberable. As i felt that little life slip away the emptyness set in.. Broken i became. My husband was there for the entire thing, such a blessing. On that day a war was begining deep within my soul that would take a toll on my life like nothing i had every encounter..i began to have to FIGHT for my something or someone was trying desperately to strip me of it.
I have spent the last two months in a spiritual battle. I refuse to let my God be taken from me. I know that the enemy is trying to so hard to make my heart bitter and have me sit in dispare...But i know who wins the battle....i know who is victorious. For the better part of this summer i have spent on a inward journey to the deepest part of my soul. The place that is seen only by the Creator. There i have wrestled with the "why's, what if's, and Not Me's" it seems that everyone around is now pregnant and i am not. It seems that this is getting thrown back in face constantly...The enemy wants me to say "it is not fair" or "that should be me" But my Father reminds me that It is Not my Time, and right now my job is to see his Face and Mirrow waht he has for me right now.
A glimmer of HOPE has started to show. I know that this a road will walk for the rest of my life... and i now know that even though i am living the life that God has called me to Live, there is always things that happen to deture our walks. Be aware of things that may distract you from what He is doing right in front of you. I almost let that be what caused me to loose my HOPE.
So now i wait. I wait for the next stage ...the next chapter...the next thing that He shows me. But here is the cool part...wait is a means to "actively look to what is coming" although i need to be still and quiet right now...and see what He has for me....i finally excited about what comes next. I will always hold that baby in my heart...he will be remembered as member of our family. I see his loss as a death of my child...but i know that baby is already at the feet of the Father. He will never feel hurt or pain. His heart will never be broken. He will never want for anything. He will never be lonely. He will never ask WHY? or He will never Have to wonder. He is singing praises and worship the King i can not wait to meet. Although i wont get the chance to teach him about the Father or even be there when he is saved or baptized. I know that he will one day show me how to truly worship with out restraints. My heart will always ache to know him but in the same moment my heart will rejoice in the fact that he is already craddled by the Creator....thank you Father for the chance to be his mom and the knowledge of your grace and the hope in your mercy.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

forth in the furnace!!!!

Let me set this up..I was reminded at revival tonight of something I have forgotten...i remember hearing this when i was a child but i guess tonight it meant something totally different to me. Do you remember the story in Daniel about Shadrach. Meshach, and Abednego. I know you all do. Well as i sat there and Clif Johnson was giving the message i realized the chance these three guys were taking by not bowing down to Nebuchadnezzar's 90 foot statue. They had been declaring thier God's worth publicly for the last three years...first by not eating the "kings" food. They had chosen to lead a life that always brought FAME to the Father. ON that day when thousands of high ranking officials were called by the king to come and worship the statue they too were called. The officials stood in their rankings which meant that these three men were probably close to the front because God had purposely placed them in a place of power that would ultimately bring honor and glory to His name. So as the band began to play and all of the thousands of men started to kneel themselves infront of the golden idol these three men did not hestitate to keep their position and NOT bow down to an idol. I wouldn't be surprised if they even might have been seen with their eyes focused on the Heavens towards God's Glory. Because of their disobidence they were bound and prepared to be thrown into a furnace to be burned...Nebuchadnezzar even told the soldiers to make the furnace 7x more hotter. The soldiers that were holding the three boys there were killed by the extreme heat. As the three were finally hurled into the furnace Nebuchadnezzar thought for sure he had taught the other officals standing a lesson about making sure that they always follow the orders of the king. As he was sitting there basking in his feelings of victory he happen to walk by the window into the furnace and notice that there were not three figures but four walking around in the flames. Stunned i am sure he takes a second look and asks a soldier to make sure that there were only three that were thrown into the furnace. At that moment he actually states that the forth being looks Godlike....woa woa....did you hear that...He then asks that three men let out of the furnace...after inspection he sees that they are not only not burned but that they dont even smell like smoke....only God Could Do That....then he states in Daniel 3:29 "I make a decree that the God of the three men shall be praised and is the one true to God....anyone who goes against their God shall be torn Limb from Limb." Don't you love here is my question for me and you...are you walking around a fire one that may be 7x hotter than any other one you have ever been in before? Haveyou taken time to look around you notice that the Father is right there with you? He has never left your side....he is right there...holding your hand....when this is over you will not be burned nor will you smell like smoke...and Your God will be given that much More Fame....So don't stop declaring his name....For his worthy to be praised...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

we are cruisen this week...see you all soon!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Best Things in Life are FREE!

John 8:32 "the TRUTH shall set you FREE" Think about somethings that are wonderful and better yet...FREE Sunsets, flowers, the Breeze, seasons, snow....guess what they are all from God for us to enjoy... Notice anything? FROM GOD. Right down to the Gospel God makes it so easy to love and know is FREE...NO CHARGE. He makes it easy to se nature. What would a day be without a sunrise or a sunsest? NOT a Day right...but still something that is so is still free. What would stem be like with out a flower? Not a flower. so on and so forth...He is all and all of him is free. When you know him he will make you Free. So if you are ready then take hold and begin enjoy his freedom and your freedom in him.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Lead me to the Rock

Psalm 61 is a chapter that i have turned to many times to bring comfort and understanding. It says " Hear my cry oh Lord, Listen to my prayer from the end of the earth I call out to you when my heart is faint. Lead to the Rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against my enemies." I know WOW right. I love this chapter and all it promises on both ends. but my favorite part of the verse is the section that talks about "the rock that is higher than I" when i was a little girl and i was affraid I only wanted to one of two places. In my mothers arms or my fathers arms. They were bigger than i was and i knew that no matter what they would protect me from anything Monsters or Strangers. I know look at landon and see how he depends on bobby and i to be his strong fortress in times he feels worried or afraid. It seems that if he is upset he just has to find a way into our arms (even though i am not very tall) and be lifted up to feel safe. Have you ever noticed that. By just being lifted up we always feel better. I guess it is the better veiw of the situation or just being wrapped in our arms but calm always over whelms him with in moments of being moved up with us. So in today what ever you are facing...ask God to lead you to the Rock that is Higher than you are. Climb up and rest in the arms that are waiting to hold you. Find a church this morning to go to...Don't forsake the gathering of the believers. Did you ever think maybe just maybe God purposesly woke you early today so that you could go to His House and Worship him? Just a thought. be blessed!!!!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Blow the trumpets in Zion

Joel 2:1...."Blow the trumpet in Zion; sound the alarm on my holy Mountain! Let all the inhabitants on the land tremble, for the day of the Lord is coming; it is near." can't you just picture it...and hear this. Blow the trumpet...the Lord is coming soon. We should be sounding HIs Alarms constantly...he is coming back and we need to get ready. there is a song that says "people get ready, Jesus is coming" WHY are we ALL JUST SITTING AROUND like we have nothing to do. Get busy, get your heart ready. Clean up and make way for the Lord is on his way. When i was young and we had people coming over to our house, my mom alawys went nuts trying to get the house in order before the "company" arrived. We would wash windows, clean the base boards, wash the light plates, and things like that just for our company to come for an hour or so and then leave...but you know we don't take half that time daily to prepare for our KING...we just basically say take me as i am...but really is what we are near what he deserves? NOT AT ALL....PEOPLE GET READY!!!!Jesus is coming. Back in the bible times they would wave branches and make much of the Royalties arrival...decide today to make much of the FATHER. He should be made more of than what we are doing now. He deserves your "firsts". First moments of the day, first fruits, first thoughts, first words in everyday. Start today by making him FIRST in your hearts. Be blessed and encouraged...time for us to get ready for the day.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

check out my new teaching blog... catch a glimpse into the life of my five year old babies...Happy reading...

Blog Archive