Friday, August 6, 2010

hard to face...

let me begin this story by warning you that this is an account of my last six months and why i have been away for so long. This story is true and i am sharing it because i believe that the Father doesn't give anything with out eventually giving us a way to give it back to him... so this is my feeble way of giving it back to HIM...praying that it brings him glory and honor. Six months ago my Husband and I decided that it was time for us to have another baby. I really wanted to have a second child...My heart was so excited about this anticipation. We spent months trying and every month disapointment would set in. I am a lover a My God...and knew he had a perfect reason...but still my heart was so ready and wanted so badly. one month turned into two, then three, then four....
In early March i finally came to the conclusion that God just wasn't ready for us to have a baby. But in my haste a seed of doubt began to form. I began to feel bitterness well up in self like never before. I have waited for things before, but this time i couldn't figure it out. I mean i was doing all i was asked to walk was great, my worship was wonderful, and my heart was beating wildly...but HE would not allow me to have this one thing i wanted so badly. I felt like i was walking down a dark tunnel and there was not end in sight. My husband tried to understand but he could only offer support in the moments of my heart break. I was so ready. Then finally in April we found out we were finally expecting. I was so excited. I couldn't believe it...turns out that i had been worked up about nothing. We started planning...every moment was so joyful....God had finally allowed me to have the desire of my heart...a new baby. I could hardly wait. We started our Dr. visits..and began to prepare for the next nine months. On Mother's day in May just four weeks in the unthinkable began to happen....the next fortyeigth hours were just about unberable. As i felt that little life slip away the emptyness set in.. Broken i became. My husband was there for the entire thing, such a blessing. On that day a war was begining deep within my soul that would take a toll on my life like nothing i had every encounter..i began to have to FIGHT for my something or someone was trying desperately to strip me of it.
I have spent the last two months in a spiritual battle. I refuse to let my God be taken from me. I know that the enemy is trying to so hard to make my heart bitter and have me sit in dispare...But i know who wins the battle....i know who is victorious. For the better part of this summer i have spent on a inward journey to the deepest part of my soul. The place that is seen only by the Creator. There i have wrestled with the "why's, what if's, and Not Me's" it seems that everyone around is now pregnant and i am not. It seems that this is getting thrown back in face constantly...The enemy wants me to say "it is not fair" or "that should be me" But my Father reminds me that It is Not my Time, and right now my job is to see his Face and Mirrow waht he has for me right now.
A glimmer of HOPE has started to show. I know that this a road will walk for the rest of my life... and i now know that even though i am living the life that God has called me to Live, there is always things that happen to deture our walks. Be aware of things that may distract you from what He is doing right in front of you. I almost let that be what caused me to loose my HOPE.
So now i wait. I wait for the next stage ...the next chapter...the next thing that He shows me. But here is the cool part...wait is a means to "actively look to what is coming" although i need to be still and quiet right now...and see what He has for me....i finally excited about what comes next. I will always hold that baby in my heart...he will be remembered as member of our family. I see his loss as a death of my child...but i know that baby is already at the feet of the Father. He will never feel hurt or pain. His heart will never be broken. He will never want for anything. He will never be lonely. He will never ask WHY? or He will never Have to wonder. He is singing praises and worship the King i can not wait to meet. Although i wont get the chance to teach him about the Father or even be there when he is saved or baptized. I know that he will one day show me how to truly worship with out restraints. My heart will always ache to know him but in the same moment my heart will rejoice in the fact that he is already craddled by the Creator....thank you Father for the chance to be his mom and the knowledge of your grace and the hope in your mercy.

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